"Do as I say..."

It’s a cold fact of life that everyone has sex (apart from the seriously small fraction of a percent that identify as asexual. They’re out there, and that’s cool too). As humans, we like our sex plentiful and varied, and the vast majority of our sex is for non-procreative purposes (over 99%).

Which is why I find it absolutely HILARIOUS when I read stories like the one in Mother Jones last week about Virginia’s attorney general and Republican candidate for governor, Ken Cuccinelli, who is trying his darndest to make sure the people of Virginia can’t have consensual anal or oral sex (sexual oppression: it’s not just for gays and women anymore!). A Supreme Court ruling in 2003 against Texas’s sodomy laws had effectively put the sodomy laws of the 12 other States who had them on their books out to pasture. Scared that consensual pussy eating and pole smoking would bring about the unraveling of the tightly knit moral fabric of American society, Cuccinelli picked himself up from the foetal position in which he has been rocking back in forth for the past decade, and decided to do something about it.

(Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Why is this so funny to me (Other than the fact that your man has the word “Cucci” in his name), I hear you ask? Because as history has shown us, those who try to enforce their sexual moral standards upon the masses, more often than not end up getting caught with their pants down in their own “moral dilemma.”

Buzzfeed recently posted a list of famous faces in the American political sphere like Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich, who voted in favour of the Defense of Marriage Act to define marriage as “One man/ One woman,” and had yet broken their own marital vows and had an affair (in some cases multiple affairs). It is alleged that Gingrich asked his first wife, Jackie Battley, for a divorce while she was in hospital receiving treatment for cancer.

 A few years ago, anti-gay activist and founding board member of the Family Research Council, George Rekers was photographed with a 20 year old man he hired as a “travel assistant” from Rentboy.com to “lift his luggage.” Up until that story broke, Rekers was on the board of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality, an organisation that promotes the use of Conversion Therapy for LGBT people, but subsequently resigned.

 Another prominent example would be former Head Pastor of New Life Church in Colorado, Ted Haggard, who, in November 2006, was alleged to have been seeing a male masseur for three years. The masseur also claims that Haggard had purchased crystal meth from him. In the year that the scandal hit, Haggard’s church supported “Amendment 43” to the Colorado State Constitution which provided "Only a union of one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in this state,” even though the state already defined marriage as between one man and one woman.


 In early 2013, on our side of the pond, Cardinal Keith O’Brien, Stonewall’s 2012 “Bigot of the Year,” was forced to resign from his post after three serving priests and one former priest accused him of sexual misconduct. In a statement he made upon his resignation, O’Brien said “I wish to take this opportunity to admit that there have been times that my sexual conduct has fallen below the standards expected of me as a priest, archbishop and cardinal.”

 Last year the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology published a study that provides empirical evidence that suggests that homophobia can result from suppression of same-sex desires. I’d find it hard to believe that the same couldn’t be said of people who are just plain sex-negative generally; that those who are radically opposed, on moral grounds, to any kind of sex other than good ol’ fashioned marital, missionary-with-the-lights-off-for-the-sole-purpose-of-baby-making sex, are the ones having the hardest time suppressing their sexual desires. With that in mind, I wish Mr. Cuccinelli all the best in his campaign for Governor and attempts to rid Virginia of the horrors of non-penis-in-vagina sex. I’ll be waiting with baited breath around blogosphere to see how this story unfolds.