This week I had the honour of giving a sexual empowerment workshop to UCC's Feminist Society. I always love visiting UCC for talks, but especially so when I get to work with their FemSoc. They are always so engaged and not afraid to ask challenging questions. A large part of my workshop was to give fun, practical ideas for consent negotiations in the bedroom, which I will of course be sure to include on the blog at some stage.

At the end of the workshop during the Q&A, one young woman asked what advice I have for someone who isn't currently sexually active and doesn't have much experience - how can they best prepare themselves for when they eventually are in bed with someone?

I love this question on so many levels! Firstly the person who asked it was so warm and confident. She wasn't afraid to raise her hand in front of a group of peers and be open about not having much practical experience. This is so encouraging as I've spoken with several lecturers and counsellors who lament that students are having more and riskier sex than they are personally ready for, because they believe everyone in their peer group is up to the same activities. 

Secondly it shows that you can have in interest in advocating for yourself sexually even when you aren't currently sexually active. This part is key. Most of us will have sexual relationships with other people at some point in our lives, but to make those experiences as positive and fulfilling as possible, we first need to have open communication with ourselves about our wants & desires as well as our take-it-or-leave-its & hard no's.

We also need to accept that the older we get, our tastes may change. What turned us on when we were 20, mightn't turn us on when we're 35 or 55. You might have something that grossed you out in college, but after going through a hormonal change through medication or pregnancy or menopause, it might turn out to be your number 1 kink!

Because of this it's so important keep up with the theory, even if you're not currently working on the practical. It means that you'll be more prepared and better able to articulate your desires to a partner when the time comes. With that in mind here's a few of my favourite resources whether you're currently sexually active or just wanting to learn and discover more:

Oh Joy Sex Toy - You've probably seen me mention her before, but I'm not going to stop anytime soon. Cartoonist Erika Moen along with her husband, Matt, create this weekly webcomic which features beautifully illustrated sex toy reviews, sex education, interviews with people in the sex industry. She also frequently has guest artists on to share their expertise and erotic stories.

Roe McDermott - Roe is a spectacular Irish writer and now advice columnist for the Irish Times. She just arrived back from completing her MA in Sexuality Studies at San Francisco State University, and she is currently working on her PhD through Oxford. She has a brilliant way of tackling challenging and complex topics and giving answers that are full of empathy, wisdom and wit. 

Dan Savage - I have been listening to Dan's podcast and reading his column for over 10 years now. He has done so much in 25 years to demystify sex and bring the work of other great advice columnists, researchers, porn stars, sex workers, and activists to the masses. I am completely aware that some of the things he has said in those 25 years have been problematic, but at it's core I have found his message to be a positive one. If you don't have time to listen to the podcast every week, this brilliant 40 minute talk he gave earlier this year sums up his important main points. 

Come as You Are - This is Dr. Emily Nagoski's book which takes all the research we've done in the past 20 years or so (there wasn't much if any done before then) on the female sexual response and makes it very easy to read and accessible for everyone even if you're not much of a sciency person. Most importantly it assures the reader that "Yes. You and your body and how it responds is completely normal!"

Vibrator Nation - This amazing book by Dr. Lynn Comella is a love letter to all the fabulous feminist sex toy retailers and manufacturers who have helped reshape an entire industry which used to be completely male-dominated. The reason we have such a demand for bodysafe materials and better technology today is really down to a handful of these female pioneers who insisted on educating their customers and not settling for inferior products.